Saturday, June 23, 2007

Keegan - fighting scene

Hi all here is a fighting scene in my new book but it seems to be missing something. Some suggestions would be great. Thanks for your help.

Keegan was watching the tree where one of the snipers was waiting when he felt Bryce tap his boot. It meant he had seen movement from the other sniper. Keegan slowly
lifted his scope to look at the other sniper and watched him change position to look
in another direction; if he had turned another couple of inches he would have seen Micheil on the edge of the woods. Bryce tapped his boot twice to let him know that Micheil was moving in and to be prepared. Keegan nodded and moved his attention back to the first sniper; Bryce would handle the second one. Keegan waited for the signal from Micheil to take down the first sniper when he felt Bryce prepare to shoot the second one. He lined up the shot to take out the branch underneath the first sniper and was squeezing off the shot when he felt Bryce gasp below him. Keegan finished his shot, watching while the first sniper fell to the ground and waited to see Micheil take over the situation before turning to look down at Bryce.

“Are you alright,” he asked.

“Yes, but I took one in the leg. I might need help getting out of the tree.”
Keegan leaned his head against the branch in front of him, Delwyn was going to kill him, he thought before turning to climb down out of the tree. “Did you get your guy to drop out of the tree?”

“No, he caught sight of me as I was getting ready to squeeze off a shot and it was all he needed to move just a fraction of a second before I would have shot the branch. I hit him with a bullet, but not before he managed to fire and hit my leg.”
Keegan dropped to the ground and looked over at Micheil and his team. They were securing the first sniper and the second lay on the ground in a pool of blood, Craig standing guard over him just in case. Keegan grabbed a bandana out of his pocket and used it to tie off the wound on Bryce’s leg before helping him down to the ground. He leaned him against the tree and walked over to Micheil.

Micheil looked over at him, “How bad is he hurt?”

“It’s a through and through. He should be fine as long as we get him back quickly so he doesn’t lose anymore blood. I am going to have Craig help me get him back to the house. Are you alright without us coming with you to the jail?”

“Yes, the brothers and I can handle getting these two back. We will buzz you when we get there so you know we made it without any difficulties. Are you alright with just Craig or did you need one of the brothers?”

“No you have your hands full with these two. Did Bryce kill the first one or just wound him?”

“He is dead. Hopefully we can make this one talk. I will let you know when we get back. Cathaoir, go guard the other prisoner while Craig helps Keegan.”

“Yes, sir.”

After Cathaoir walked over and relieved Craig, he came over to help Keegan get Bryce back to the house. Keegan helped Craig get Bryce over his shoulder before taking point on the walk back to the house. Craig felt Bryce slump down over his back and he signaled to Keegan to stop a moment. Keegan walked around Craig to check for a pulse.
Keegan nodded at Craig, “He still has a pulse, it is thready but there. We need to get him back quickly. Do you think you can step up the pace, I know he isn’t light?”

“Of course. It is just around the bend. Did you let your father know we would need Gwyn?”

“No, she should already be at the house and I didn’t want anyone to listen in to our conversation and know someone was hurt.”

Craig made sure Bryce was settled on his shoulder and the two men started jogging toward the house. They were almost there when someone started shooting at them. Keegan looked at Craig, “Get him to the house. I will cover you.”
Craig didn’t argue, just took off at a run toward the house that was only 50 yards ahead. Keegan took cover behind a boulder and shot toward the direction the bullets were coming from. He didn’t think he would hit anyone but he was going to try. He quickly looked over his shoulder to see Craig’s progress before turning and shooting toward the woods at the edge of the property.

Keegan started backing up while still shooting knowing he would have to sprint across the yard as soon as Craig was able to get Bryce inside. He looked over his shoulder one last time and noticed Craig had made it to the front porch. With all of his energy he sprinted across the lawn, he was out of bullets and hoped he would make it to the relative safety of the porch before they realized what he was doing. He had just cleared the fountain when he felt a burning sensation in his shoulder and left hip.

Keegan felt the world start to go black, but through sheer will he forced it back. He knew if he passed out he was dead. He continued to run toward the steps. His shoulder was burning as he felt the blood run down his arm. He had just hit the steps when Craig came out onto the porch and started firing toward the trees trying to give Keegan the time he needed to get into the house.

While Craig was firing, Iain grabbed Keegan and pulled him into the safety of the house before holding the door open for Craig. As soon as Craig made it through the door, Iain slammed it shut and dead bolted it. He buzzed Micheil. “You have at least one more sniper in the trees by the house. Keegan has been hit, but I don’t know how bad it is yet. I will keep you updated.”

“Yes, sir. I will send the brothers over to take care of the situation.”


Rebicmel said...

This is a very interesting part you shared. I think what I would suggest is to reread it out loud and hear the words as you are reading them....Sometimes we worry so much about the details we add to much or to many words.. That is something a writer from Helium told me and I thought that was pretty sound advice. It's a great story Patti!!!!

Deirdre said...

Hi Patti, another fine story. Deirdre.

Patti Winters said...

Thanks I will try the reading aloud part and see if it needs improvement anywhere.

Thanks Deirdre, I appreciate it.

KB said...

Good advice Missy.

Love the story Patti.

Patti Winters said...

Thanks KB, I appreciate it